Wediquette: So, When Are You Having Babies?

"We are engaged and getting married in a few months. We aren't even legally tied to each other yet and people are starting to ask us when we are going to have a baby. First things first people - how do we handle this new form of harassment?"

It never fails, right? You get engaged and everyone wants to know when and where the wedding is happening. Once you get all the wedding details ironed out, people start asking when a baby is coming. I personally find it beyond inappropriate, but, that doesn't stop people from asking you. So, how does one handle this line of questioning. Firstly, choosing to have a baby is entirely up to you and your fiance and when to have a baby is again, up to you both. This decision is a seriously important one and its no one else's business. Period, end of story. Just smile sweetly and say "you'll be the first to know when it happens". People will want to know why you are waiting, why you want to be a certain age, why, why, why. The why is between you two. The why is personal and doesn't matter to anyone else.

On a personal note: being asked when you are having a baby to me is akin to asking how much money is in your bank account. These are things that people don't need to know. I've come up with some very risque and shocking answers that I won't share here but they certainly get people to shut their mouths and stop asking. Being asked repeatedly {especially as I get older} is bothersome and I think its a massive social faux pas. Just my two cents.

Wediquette: To Speak Or Not To Speak?

"Neither our Best Man nor our Maid of Honor are the speech-giving types, so we've told them they're off the hook for it, and they seem really relieved. None of our parents have asked about giving speeches (they're not really the type either) so they won't be speaking either. My fiance and I are planning to give a little "thank you all for being here and supporting us" speech, but that's it. I didn't think anyone would miss a million speeches, but now I'm wondering, though, if the occasion needs a little something like this. There's plenty of good speakers who aren't in any of the traditional roles, but I don't know how one really goes about asking someone to give a speech or a toast for them. Anyone else skipping most of the speeches? Do you think people will miss them?"

Since most of your guests have been to several weddings in their time, they are expecting some entertainment in the form of speeches - and if you have no one speak, it'll certainly be noticed by all in attendance.

A speech doesn't need to be lengthy, flowery, poetic or very deep. It should be genuine, from the heart and can be a simple "thank you, we love you" type of thing. If none of your bridal party or parents feel comfortable making a speech, I would advise finding someone close to both of you who is comfortable with public speaking. You don't need to make a big to do about who they are and why they are speaking, but having someone let your guests know their attendance is appreciated will be appreciated by your guests.

Personally, as for parents: they need to get over themselves and say something. It can be 30 seconds long, but it should happen. Otherwise, as the bride and the groom, you definitely need to speak especially if no one else is, or in lieu of the parents. Otherwise, it'll just be silence ... {obviously except for your music}.

Wediquette: Inner and Outer Envelopes

It makes sense to list everyone's name specifically on the inner envelope, but we don't have one. Could I list names on the RSVP envelope? Or should I list everyone's names on the outer mailing envelope? That would mean several lines on the outer envelope?? What do we do as we don't want guests to think that their entire household is invited!

It used to be the norm that wedding invitations came in two envelopes, and outer and an inner. The outer one held the head of the household names "Mr & Mrs" and the address, while the inner envelope listed the individual names of the invited {so basically, the kids}. These days, its very common to forgo the inner envelope to save costs, save paper, save on calligraphy - which means where do all the names go?

On the outer envelope. If you want to be casual about it - and you are inviting all the children in that household, you can always do "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and Family" as your first line. Or, if you'd like something more formal, name each child, which I know can clutter up the envelope but it would look like "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and Miss. Chloe Smith". If you are hiring a calligrapher for your envelopes, find someone who prices per envelope, not per line ~ they will be able to advise you on the best protocol and layout for including all the additional names so the envelope doesn't look too full.

Wediquette: The Importance of Assigned Seating

My sister has decided against having escort cards or place cards at her wedding. They are having over 200 people attending and she doesn't want the hassle of creating a seating chart. I've tried to get her to understand that this may not be the best course of action, but she won't see the light - what can I say to her to convince her otherwise?

I will preface my advice with this: personally, I think that giving your guests guidance on where to sit during a wedding reception is hugely important and when I attend weddings I always am flabbergasted when couples haven't taken the time to assign a table to their guests.

That said, some couples think that creating a seating chart or assigning tables to guests is a massive chore. What if you put two enemies together? What if no one talks to each other? What if, what if, what if. Firstly, people will always talk to each other and if they don't, its not like they are sitting at this table for the rest of time. Its a few hours at most. Secondly, if two adults can't get over themselves for a couple hours at a wedding and sit together and be civil, they have bigger problems in life that just aren't your problem.

The real reason to have assigned tables at a wedding is this: if you don't, most tables won't get filled to capacity and your wait staff will have a heck of a time running between two barely filled tables rather than waiting on one full table. To me, it also looks ridiculous when half the tables aren't filled - your photographer will get those images and it just looks sloppy.

It's also a bit of an insult {again, in my opinion} to your guests to not provide guidance with a table assignment - your guests have spent time and money to be at the wedding, why can't you spend some time giving them a table to call home during your reception? As an example, at a family member's wedding several years ago, there were no table assignments and the tables were split into three rooms - it was complete chaos trying to find a seat let alone keep that seat for the rest of the night. I asked the bride why they didn't do table assignments and she just said that she didn't feel like it. To me, that's no excuse because the wedding just looked unorganized and felt like musical chairs.

So please, spend an afternoon assigning your guests a table during your wedding, everyone will thank you later.

Wediquette: How Many Escort Cards Do I Need?

Is it okay to do one escort card per couple? (Single guests would still get their own).

Choosing how you want to address you escort cards is entirely up to you - but keep in a mind a few factors:

~ Every guest that RSVP'ed yes to your wedding should receive an escort card

~ Decide if you are using salutations: Mr. & Mrs. or just Bob and Jody

~ If you are having the escort cards calligraphed - there is a cost per card, so if you want to keep costs down, choosing one card per couple will certainly bring the costs down since you will have less cards to be calligraphed

~ Escort Card display - if you aren't using a large table, you want to make sure that there will be enough room to display all the cards

Ensuring that you have you escort cards in order is entirely dependent on guests being responsible enough to RSVP on time - if not, get them on the phone - you'll need a final count close to the wedding date!

Wediquette: No Children Allowed!

How do you tell your guests that we are not inviting their children to our wedding? What will they say when they see our family members children there?

This can be a tricky one because some guests simply won't understand why their children are not invited - at the end of the day - its not your problem. If your wedding isn't child-friendly, do not spend time apologizing for it. Its an adult affair, end of story. Now, instead of the tacky "no children please" line at the bottom of the invitation - address the invitation to exactly is invited from that home: Mr. and Mrs. Bill Smith. If you were inviting kids, it would read: Mr. and Mrs. Bill Smith & Miss. Samantha Smith. If you are afraid you'll have some stowaways in the form of children: call the parents and explain that the evening is for the older crowd, but if it is a destination wedding, their children are certainly welcome to the weekend and that you will provide a babysitter while the parents attend your celebration. It's the least you can do.

If you are allowing only your family to bring their children, guests should not have an issue with this. It is at the end of the day, your wedding and you make the decisions regarding whose invited. Most family members kids are "working" that day anyways in the form of a ring bearer or flower girl, so they should be accepted at the reception.

In the event an un-invited child is at the reception, try and accommodate them to the best of your and the venue's ability, but beyond serving them a child's meal, you aren't obligated to do anything further. Perhaps once the parents realize its not a kid friendly affair, they'll get the hint.

Wediquette: Deciphering The "Plus One" Debate

My husband's old college friend is getting married and we just received the invitation but only his name was included on the envelope. My husband called to see if this was a mistake. Nope. The bride explained that they're trying to keep the wedding small and they're only inviting people close to them. My husband reminded her that he's married now, but no, she was firm on her decision. To add insult to injury, we recently had dinner with another mutual friend and he was surprised that I wasn't invited because he was with his girlfriend of three months! His girlfriend doesn't even know the friend getting married! His invite actually said "plus guest" and I'm not even invited to the wedding with my husband! We understand that its their wedding and that they can invite whomever they'd like but we can decline the invitation if we want as well. My question is this...are we being unreasonable in doing so?

Firstly, this etiquette question is one that resonates deeply with me as something similar happened to me. Long story short, we were engaged, and my now husband got invited to a friends wedding in LA {anyone whose ever met me knows my fantasy of moving to LA} without me. We'd been living together for almost 4 years at this point and had been engaged for close to six months.

It was no doubt, a slap in the face to not be invited - especially if you are engaged or married. We all get that everyone is working within a certain headcount or budget, but it would almost be less hurtful to just not invite either of us instead of just inviting one half of the marital unit. You might as well say "your wife / husband / fiancee doesn't actually exist in our minds" ...how hurtful!

If you really feel strongly about attending this wedding as a Mr. & Mrs. - cite Emily Post who says that: "Partners of invited guests must be included in a wedding invitation. This includes couples who are married, engaged, or living together. Allowing single guests who aren’t attached to a significant other to bring a date is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is not required"

In the example above the bride has just about broken every wedding etiquette law: not inviting the wife of a potential guest, yet allowing a newly minted girlfriend to get the invitation. I'd let the bride know of her faux pas and if she doesn't relent, don't feel obligated to go.

Wediquette: Who Really Gets Invited to the Rehearsal Dinner?

I really wanted to say thanks to my "out-of-towners" so instead of a typical rehearsal dinner we are having a BBQ for all of our "out-of-towners". This just gives my fiance and I the chance to welcome them to our wedding weekend and thank them for coming to our wedding. I have done a wedding website and have a page on there for our out of town guests and I have the BBQ on there as well. Will the "in-towners" be offended??? Who traditionally gets invited to the rehearsal dinner anyways?

First things first, let's discuss the Rehearsal Dinner and who traditionally gets invited:

"Those invited should include the members of the wedding party (except for the flower girl and ring bearer), the officiant, the parents and grandparents of the bride and groom, and the siblings of the bride and groom if they are not in the wedding party. If the bride or groom has stepparents, they are invited with their spouses but should not be seated next to former spouses. The wedding party’s husbands, wives, fiancées, fiancés, and live-in companions should be invited, but it’s not obligatory that they have dates. The children of the bride or groom from a previous marriage also attend, unless they are too young. After that, any number of people may be invited (totally optional), such as out-of-town guests, close friends, aunts and uncles, and godparents. Junior bridesmaids and junior ushers may also be invited if the hour is not late, as may the flower girl and ring bearer (if supervised)."
{via Emily Post}

So, basically, invitees should include your wedding party, their dates {if you so choose}, close family and that's it. Anyone above and beyond that that you choose to invite is at your discretion. Whomever is footing the bill for the evening should sit down with the bride and groom and go through the guest list and the parameters for inviting people. If you'd like to include those who travel in for the wedding weekend, make sure that everyone who travels in gets a printed invitation. Make it known that their presence isn't required {just in case their flights or schedule don't allow for it} but that you are extending the invite. Guests are already committing time and money to travel to your wedding, don't put them in a position where they feel they must take a vacation day or change travel plans for a dinner. If too many people are coming in from town, or its a destination wedding where everyone is traveling in for it - make a firm decision on whether to invite everyone or not. And stick to it.

As far as putting the dinner information on your wedding website - skip it unless every single person invited to the wedding is being invited to the rehearsal dinner. You don't want people to be confused or hurt that they weren't invited.

Wediquette: Can You Cancel a Vendor Contract?

After signing a contract with a vendor, we're now feeling like we need to cancel the contract. Is this even a possibility? How would we go about cancelling a contract?

Firstly, you need to have a concrete, viable reason for wanting to cancel the contract with the vendor. It could range from your engagement ending, wedding date changing, wedding location changing ... those are all valid reasons for wanting to make your contract with a vendor null and void. {There are non-valid reasons as well - I am sure we all know what they are}

Secondly, read your contract. There are cancellation terms in there that you agreed to when you signed it, which means, your vendor is under no obligation to change those terms for you after you claimed to have read the contract and signed it. Your vendor probably has various dates and percentages of payment that go along with cancelling - 6 months out, 3 months out, less than 30 days out etc. Figure out where you fall within the parameters first. Then, figure out what amount you owe the vendor. If you are merely changing the wedding date or location - you may not need to cancel the contract. Your vendor may move with you to the new date and location. If you really just want to part ways with the vendor, put it in writing and submit it to them - if you'd like to negotiate the amount of money you are owe them or are forfeiting, ask if they are amenable to that. If your reason is valid enough and there is a high chance they will re-book that date, you may be in luck. Keep in mind that no vendor must give you back money simply because you ask.

Contracts are in use to protect the vendor and to protect you. If you must cancel your contract, make sure you understand the terms clearly.

Wediquette: The Clueless Wedding Guest

My friends (both female and especially male) know nothing about weddings. We're talking not knowing who traditionally pays for what (no, I'm not covering everyone's hotel rooms) and the seriousness of the event (yes, you need to practice your best man toast ahead of time). And no one has offered to throw a bridal shower or bachelorette / bachelor party - even our bridal party. How do I educate our friends who will be guests at the wedding?

I've found that people's schooling in weddings is highly dependent on two factors: age and how many weddings they have attended. If your friends are on the younger side, they probably have not had that many opportunities to attend weddings or be in the bridal party {being a flower girl or ring bearer at age five does not make you an expert!} - which means they don't know how weddings work. This is your opportunity to educate them on proper wedding etiquette. You don't need to be over the top or forceful in your teaching methods - just stress the importance that this is a MAJOR day in your and your fiance's life and that their cooperation is expected. Toasts must be pre-written and rehearsed {if not, the one giving the speech is the one that looks bad}, and that 'surprises' and getting overly intoxicated at an open bar are not universally appreciated.

This is the time to share your experiences and knowledge to put your friends in 'the know' - you'll be setting them to be amazing guests at future weddings. And if none of them volunteer to throw you a bridal shower or bachelorette party - call me, I will. No seriously, ask a mother, sister or in-law if they would be interested or plan your own fabulous bachelorette party - that way, you get what you want!

Wediquette: The Forgetful Gift Givers

My fiance and I were married last weekend and we had 10 guests give us nothing, not even a card. I know gifts aren't necessary but they could have at least picked up a 99 cent card! My fiance and I paid for everything ourselves. Our guests were served a sit down meal and had top shelf open bar all night. Several of the guests that didn't give a gift have since called us to let us know it was the nicest wedding they have ever been to, do I send them a thank you card? Thanking them for attending?

Firstly, don't invite guests simply to get a gift from them. Invite guests because you want them to witness your vows and your becoming man and wife - which to me at least, is much more meaningful than a gift. Yes, a gift or some token of appreciation is expected but its not a requirement for attending your wedding. The general rule of thumb is that guests have from the time you get engaged through to your first anniversary to purchase you a gift {Emily Post disagrees and says you have until three months after the wedding - most people prefer the one year rule}. That is a long time for people to forget, especially with their daily lives occurring at the same time. While one hopes that a guests manners aren't so crass; these things happen and instead of whining about how so and so failed to give you a gift even though you feed them and provided an open bar for five hours just move on with your married life. At the end of the day, experience and memories far outweigh the zebra print platter that someone gave you that now resides at the bottom of a cupboard never to be seen again.

If and when you do receive a gift, quickly write a thoughtful thank you note to the giver - just don't note that you had been waiting for it for ages!


{via Love To Know}

Wediquette: Your Wedding Coordinator - Managing Your Relationship

Today's Wediquette Topic: Your Wedding Coordinator - Managing Your Relationship

You've decided to hire a wedding planner for your wedding. You've had consultations, picked the perfect match and you're on your way to planning a wedding with some professional guidance! Now what? What is this relationship you've embarked on? You've hired a near stranger and are trusting them with THE most important day of your life ... I'd say that's getting intimate mighty quickly!

Your wedding coordinator is your guide through this process. They are here to steer you in the right direction based on how you envision your wedding day. They are providing you with vendors, references, advice, etiquette and sage wisdom. Most times, they've seen it all and nothing shocks them anymore! They are managing your expectations on budget and managing all the logistics that it takes to ensure that your wedding day is simply delightful. But, is there a point when you begin to take your wedding planner relationship too far? Yes. Firstly, when in doubt about asking your coordinator a question - refer to your package services: is your questions / concern / issue related to some aspect of your services? If so, proceed. If not, communicate with your wedding coordinator and ask them, would you mind doing x,y and z? If its something simple, most likely they will happily help you out, but if you're suddenly asking them to plan the rehearsal dinner when it wasn't included in your services package - don't get annoyed when they mention its an additional fee. Just like you wouldn't do any extra work at your job without expecting a raise or a promotion - your planner should be treated the same way. You want to treat this relationship professionally - yes, you've hired someone to organize your wedding day, but they aren't your new personal assistant.

The relationship between wedding planner and client is a delicate and special thing, treat is as such!